Empathy and toddlers? Isn’t that like mixing oil and water??

We do not tend to associate empathy with toddlers, especially those going through the terrible twos or “three- nager” stages. At that point it feels as if they are about as narcissistic as they can be. But this is a perfect time to introduce empathy! Empathy becomes a tool for us to help our toddlers step back and see a different perspective. Empathy helps change their focus from “me” to “we” and begin to perform acts of kindness.

What is Empathy?

At the heart of the matter, empathy is the ability to be aware of the feelings of others and imagine what it might be like to be in their position. There are three types of empathy- Cognitive, emotional and compassionate empathy.

Emotional Empathy

Emotional empathy is trying to understand the feelings others are having. But the first step is to understand our own feelings.

Cognitive Empathy

Cognitive empathy is the taking on of other people’s perspectives. Can you place yourself in their shoes and see their perspective on a situation?

Compassionate Empathy

Compassionate empathy is putting empathy into motion. This is where toddlers begin to learn how their actions make others feel. The realization then comes that they have the power to show kindness.

How do I set my toddler on the road to empathy?

Step 1: Feelings! (Emotional Empathy)

This is where your child’s emotional intelligence journey begins. They must first gain an understanding of what different emotions are. Then understand how they feel when they are experiencing that emotion. Later, this basic understanding can be expanded into understanding how another person is feeling.

Define different emotions

Your child must begin to understand the six basic human emotions- anger, disgust, fear, happiness, sadness and surprise. There are several ways to approach this with your child.

First- Talk about emotions!! Talk about how you are feeling. “Mommy felt so surprised when you jumped off the bottom step!”  “Daddy feels happy that grandma is coming for a visit.” “I am sad that they didn’t have my favorite food at the restaurant.” Talk about the cause-and-effect relationship of emotions. “When brother took the toy before I was done using it, I felt angry!” “I heard the thunder and I felt scared.”

Next, narrate the feelings you see your toddler display

Toddlers are emotional beasts! Often they flip flop from one emotion to another at the drop of a hat. First they throw a fit because they want pancakes instead of toast. Then when presented with the pancake, they do not want it.

Take a deep breath and look at their emotions objectively. Name the emotion they are displaying. Describe the visual and verbal cues you are using to guess their emotion. “I can tell you are angry we have to put our shoes on. You are screaming and your face is all scrunched up.” “Wow! You were surprised when I came around the corner! You jumped!” “I can see how happy you are that Auntie just drove up! You are smiling and clapping your hands!”

Encourage your toddler to name their own emotions

Once your toddler understands the different emotions and what they feel like, encourage them to name their emotions. You have already identified emotions for them. Now see if they can name them on their own. “Tell me what you are feeling?” “Wow! You are having a big feeling! Tell me what feeling it is.”

Use books as learning tools

Read books about feelings to your toddler. This gives you a quiet moment to point out facial expressions and body language cues in detail. You can describe the emotions and discuss a time when you or they felt that emotion. Books offer an opportunity to talk about emotions that we don’t feel on a regular basis as well. Here is a brief list of books about feelings to get the conversation started.

Step 2- Lean into how others are feeling (Cognitive Empathy)

Cognitive empathy is the taking on of other people’s perspectives. Can you place yourself in their shoes and see their perspective on a situation?

Once you have introduced basic emotions to your toddler, they can identify various emotions within themselves. They can next begin to identify other people’s emotions. Ask them to identify how their friends are feeling or how they feel in a given situation. You can lean into posing different scenarios. “How do you think others feel when you take the toy from them? That made you angry. Do you think they feel angry too? Let’s look at their face. Oh, they are screaming, and their face is scrunched up. I would say they are angry!” “Your friend is crying. They are sad. They did not want their block tower knocked over.”

These conversations move your child from emotional empathy to cognitive empathy. They will now begin to take on the other persons perspective and be able to understand how their actions made the other person feel. Using stuffed animals or dolls in pretend play scenarios is a safe place to practice cognitive empathy. Reading stories with emotional story lines is another great way to help your child understand different perspectives. When you are reading these books, ask your child a lot of questions about the story- How do  you  think that made the character feel? How do you think that made the other characters feel?  Why do you think they acted that way? What could they have done instead?

Once again, using books to spark these conversations can be very beneficial. Often in the heat of the moment it is difficult for anyone to process all of the emotions objectively. However, reading a story gives you time to have that discussion calmly and objectively.

Cognitive Empathy Book List for Toddlers

• Bear Feels Scared by Karma Wilson
  • Karma Wilson’s Bear series are all great to teach about someone else’s perspective. These sweet books feature Bear and all of his friends as they navigate and support each other through difficult situations.
• Just SNOW Already! by Howard McWilliam
  • The little boy wants it to snow! He waits, looking at the sky. While he waits impatiently, he misses the comical commotion going on outside his window. This book will spark conversations about looking around and living in the moment.
• When Your Elephant Has the Sniffles by Susanna Leonard Hill
  • Oh Dear! Elephant has the sniffles. The little girl does everything she can think of to make him feel better. She doesn’t want him to sneeze!!

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The Golden Rule:

Do Unto Others As You Would Have Them Do Unto You

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Step 3-  Acts of Kindness (Compassionate Empathy)

Compassionate empathy is putting empathy into motion. This is where toddlers begin to learn how their actions make others feel. They begin to grasp the concept that they have the power to affect the emotions of others and the power to show kindness.

Even a toddler can perform small acts of kindness! Begin discussions about the Golden Rule – Do unto others as you would have them do unto you. Give them a chance to put into action what they have learned from understanding someone else’s perspective. “Remember how sad you were when she knocked over your tower? Let’s not knock over her tower. If we didn’t like it, she won’t either.”

Don’t forget the all important follow up conversations regarding the recipients reactions. “Did you see how grandma smiled when we gave her flowers! That made her happy! And making her happy made me feel happy too!”

Compassionate Empathy Book List for Toddlers

• The Nice Book by David Ezra Stein
  • A “how-to” be nice guide for little ones.
• Be Kind by Pat Zietlow Miller
  • Detailing small acts of kindness, this book is a great jumping off point for conversations about the Golden Rule.
• The Rabbit Listened by Cori Doerrfeld
  • Everyone needs something different to deal with their emotions. Taylor is sad. All of his friends try to make Taylor feel better. In the end, Rabbit just sitting with his friend is all Taylor needed.

Empathy and toddlers seems like an unlikely mix, especially when they’re navigating through those challenging “terrible twos” or “three-nager” phases. But this is the perfect time to introduce empathy! By helping toddlers identify and understand their own feelings, we can guide them toward recognizing the emotions of others. Through simple acts like talking about emotions or encouraging kindness, empathy becomes a tool that shifts their focus from “me” to “we.” It’s an essential skill that can grow alongside them, fostering kindness and understanding even at such a young age.

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